- good grief -

Sigh. So much has freaking happened and all I wanted to do was blog about it, get it off my chest, release it .. and have had no time to do it until now.

After my dad's gf left, I thought things would go back to normal somewhat, and they only got worse. On Thursday, my dad confronted me and because I did not share all of my broccoli with him, I was to pay rent now. Over broccoli. BROCCOLI. So, between me and Chris, we'd be paying $600/month to live in the tiniest room in the house and without any privacy/freedom. And when I mean privacy, I mean that PAULINE WON'T LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE. Cheese n crackers. All we want to do when we get home from work is de-stress, watch tv, play video games, whatever. Can't do that because she stands in front of us, blocking our view of the t.v., trying to have a conversation with us. Just... stop. It's okay every once in awhile, but its every fucking day. JUST STOP.

So, we quickly decided we are moving out once and for all. It sucks because the goal to save money is down the toilet, but if it means getting out of this hell hole for good, it'll be worth it.

Now, the race is on to get an apartment, pack up our shit, and get out. Sigh.

I'm so stressed :(

- three day weekend -

It's Friday morning and all I can think about is THREE DAY WEEKEND! I am PSYCHED! Chris and I pretty much have nothing planned, besides the usual cuddles and gym sessions :) So, I am definitely going to be using my time wisely. I plan on cranking out all of my errands and tasks that 1. I've been slacking on and 2. that need to get done next week. It'll be nice not having to worry about getting shit done and just be able to enjoy my time when I get home from work :)

Now, it's just a matter of remembering/figuring out what needs to get done, so I'm not in the middle of my week and freaking out because I forgot to do something, ha.

On another note, Chris brought it to my attention that I walk like a bridge troll, and it's so freaking true! We were walking home last night and it happened to be snowing. Naturally, I waddle, and I happened to be hunched over, blocking the wind/snow from hitting my face. Put those two together, and bam! Bridge troll with a side of Egor :)

Another another note. I can't help but find it insanely cute that when I do come home from work, the first thing my mom asks is, "Dance party tonight??" meaning putting on Dance Central for Kinect and playing lol She freaking loves watching us dance and even has favorite dancers and songs. So cute! One of these days, I'm going to get her to try playing it. Maybe this weekend?? I did catch her doing some of the dances in the kitchen last night aha

- noms -

It's been a few days since I blogged, boo!

This past weekened was *awesome*! Why? Chris and I didn't have any plans and we just lounged. Granted, I had a few errands to run/tasks to do, but overall it was some pretty good times :)

Lately, I've been really tired, despite getting lots of sleep and being caffeinated. It sucks because I'm not a fan of going to bed by 9pm because I physically and mentally can't do anything. I get home by 6 or 7 and all I want to do is lay down and do nothing, when I would *prefer* to go to the gym and get miscellaneous tasks done. I'm 24 for crying out loud! I'm going to try fixing up my diet a bit and see if that changes anything. If not, I'll be heading to the doctor. I've been getting headaches/migraines almost daily, so I should get that checked out as well. Saturday, I had a horrible headache. It took seven tylenol before it finally went away, and I *hate* taking that much medicine in one day. That's not the first time it's happened, either.

But, I'd like to wait it out, though. I know the past few weeks have taken a toll on me mentally, so maybe now I'm feeling it physically.

I made an account on caloriecount.com, and for the most part, I'm able to keep track of the food I eat and the activities I do. What I love most is that it tells me what nutrients I'm low/high on, and I'm able to eat accordingly. Hm, new goal! In the next few weeks/months, I'd like to establish an 'eating plan' that I'm content with and that'll help me lose/maintain my weight, so this will never be a freaking issue again. I'm so tired of this food battle and it being a constant worry in the back of my mind. It's about time I get this figured out, once and for all!

- Really? -

So, yeah. My lovely oldest brother updated his status on FB about Maggie. Really? A lot of old emotions stirred up and I'm not too happy about it.

One of my old friends once told me to rid the people who make me miserable. C&K are two of those people and I've only 'kept them around' because they're "family". I put that word in quotation marks because they're family by blood and blood only.

I'm sick and tired of pretending like everything is alright and putting up a front, when really, things are not. I'm not one to sit back and let things like this happen. I'm in control of my happiness and they're in my way.

I'm at work, trying to calm down, but my anxiety's creeping up steadily. It's stupid how something so trivial can work me up like this, but I guess it just shows how deep these wounds/scars are.

- death -

This year is 5 days old and has already been nicknamed The Year Of Death. This morning I woke up to see a FB post about one of my former BFFs passing away. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a genuinely sweet person, and I do feel bad for saying this, but the first thought that ran through my head was 'thank God'. Maggie and I used to be the best of freaking friends until the day she stabbed me in the back. I got her a job at my dad's store, and the next thing I know, she's saying lies about me to my brother and sister-in-law. For whatever reason, they believed her over me, which caused a *huge* rift between us. Things are still not the same between C&K and I, and it's been what? Almost 4 years? Yeah, that's how bad it was. I'm not completely blaming Maggie for it, because if C&K had any bit of maturity in them, it wouldn't have gotten so bad, but she did play a huge part in everything.

You also know it's bad when it comes to my mom's reaction. I told her the news as soon as I found out, to which she said, "Good, that evil witch." She didn't say bitch, she said witch, and to some degree, I think that's even more offensive than being called a bitch.

So, here's to you Maggie. I will say I have missed the good times we shared, but when it comes down to it, you were a rotten person. I had done nothing but been the best friend you needed, wanted, and deserved, and in the end, you started unnecessary drama and stabbed me in the back. Karma's a witch, huh?

- ho hum -

Last night ended up being a blast! I went home, changed into my Betsey Johnson pajama pants (found at the thrift store for $1.50, booyah!), a Threadless shirt (also a thrifty find), and danced my little ass off with Chris for an hour or so :) I don't get how he beat me at Lady Gaga and I beat him at Soulja Boy, but it happened hahah it definitely helped me get my mind off shit for awhile .. until my dad and his gf came home and she practically invited herself to play my video games. Like, didn't even ask, just kind of said she was going to play. Really? That lady has some nerve. Thankfully my dad, who wants no part in that sort of thing, headed upstairs and she followed. So, my irritation lasted a whole ... 60 seconds. Not bad :)

I'm hoping for a good day today. I need one, badly. These past few days have been nothing but utter b.s., so I'm overdue for a day with only good news and good times.

- Allison -

This morning, one of my bosses walked in. I looked up, gave him a smile, and said good morning. He returned my smile with a somber look, glassy eyes, and, "Did you hear?" ... never a good sign.

I sat in my receptionist's chair as I listened to my boss struggle to tell me what happened this past weekend. The former receptionist, Allison, had contracted the flu where it apparently damaged her heart, and she passed away yesterday. She was 30, a tall, skinny, blonde with a confident outlook on life and a bright future ahead of her. She had quit her job to move to Boston to be with her boyfriend, and had been there a week before this tragedy occurred.

I had only known her a week and the news of her death still hit me pretty hard. The entire office is in serious shock still, everyone's just walking around in a complete daze.

What strikes me as odd is how she died. Something tells me that it wasn't the flu that killed her, but a virus, and only the flu-like symptoms had shown up. The week she trained me, she came down with a stomach flu, but bounced back within a day or so. Now, I'm not a doctor, but I doubt it's common for a healthy 30 year old woman to be struck with the flu twice in a 2-3 week span.

The fact that I was minutes away from emailing her to catch up when I heard the news is really eating at me. Seeing my bosses completely torn up about the whole thing is not helping either. All I can do is keep doing my job while I wait for more news.

What a way to start the new year/week...

- goals -

Over the weekend, I really thought about 2011 and what I plan to accomplish this year. I really don't believe in new year's resolutions, but the new year is like a clean slate to do things right.

I am going to continue and expand on my exercise regime. With this new job comes health insurance, and with health insurance will eventually come inhalers! Yes! Once I get the proper inhalers for my 1. regular asthma and 2. exercise-induced asthma, I would like to see what my body can handle :) and yes, I definitely plan on 'splurging' on those workout video games (for the kinect) because I definitely need a break from the usual workout routine. I'm ready for the zumba one to kick my ass ;D

I definitely need to get my creative/crafty juices flowing again. I have a huge pile of clothes I need to re-construct, but that won't happen until I reach my goal weight. But I also have a lot of misc crafty supplies laying around that I would ideally like to use up in the next few weeks. The less I can pack up when I move out, the better. All I need to do is compile a list of things I want to make and figure out a day where I can sit down and accomplish these goals. One crafty thing a week doesn't sound too bad.

My biggest goal for this year is to move out. Chris and I had plans of moving out with one of his friends, but after some consideration, we realized it wasn't the best idea. When/if he gets accepted into OCS, the rent/bills would go from being split 3 ways to 2, and that isn't fair on anyone's part. I think for right now, my goal is to be out of my house by spring/summer time. It'll give me a few months to save up, as well as talk to my friends and see if anyone is interested in moving in with me. Fingers crossed!

And with the idea of moving out, I need to sit down, go through all of my things, and toss about 80% of it. I'm really excited about this goal because I have way too many things and I need to learn how to be a minimalist, especially if I plan on being a future Army wife ;)

With all of this planned craziness, I also want to be more active in my community, do more volunteer work. I volunteered a lot at a food pantry, and while it was 'fun', it was not fulfilling. I'm thinking perhaps an animal shelter then? I plan on calling around to see what things the shelters are in need of (blankets, toys, etc), but I'd also like to see if I can help out at the shelters as well. Seeing as how I live in a prison and can't get a dog, I might as well give my time to dogs in need.

I think that's a pretty good list (so far) of things I'd like to accomplish this year :)

- sweet revelations -

The one thing I've always kind of wished for..even strived for.. was some sort of normalcy in my life, especially when it came to family. I've never had anything close to a decent relationship with my dad, and when he got diagnosed with cancer years ago, I really tried to improve things with him. The past few months, weeks, and days have proved to me that things will never get better between us, despite my best efforts. No matter what I do or convince myself to feel/think, he will always do something so selfish or betraying, that it's not even worth it to mend things.

I've spent so much time thinking about my relationship with him, or lack there of. He's always 'been around', but has never taken any interest in anything I do or am about. It's always been about making sure I don't piss him off or disappoint him. My entire life, I've walked on egg shells around him and it's so mentally exhausting.

I've thought about what I would lose if I eventually halted contact with him (once I moved out on my own and such). I would not lose a damn thing. I don't depend on him financially or emotionally. I don't go to him for advice or just to talk. Honestly, I try to avoid him at all costs. I'd probably gain some sort of relief. No more worry about having to 'report' things to him and hope what I say doesn't cause an argument.

More recently, certain things he's done have stuck with me, and are probably the reasons I want nothing to do with him anymore.

Visiting Nick in Florida-

Forcing me to hand over money to him-

Having a talk with Chris-

Having his gf Cory stay 2 weeks at our house-

The ridiculous fights we had over the New Years weekend-


A lot of really dumb, old emotions have re-surfaced, which means the sooner I move out and away from my dad, the sooner I can dry off from the 20+ year shit storm he's laid on me.